What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:03
I was scared of men, in general
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why are white women so hard to date?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
When she asked me how she looked .
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why don't we hear our own snoring?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What are examples of real life forced feminization?
I waited trembling.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
Why are people becoming increasingly hostile to pro-lifers? I am pro-life.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I said to her
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im still living with it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i lived it daily.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
All the time i was locked up.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She married twice! .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was in good health!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So whats the point in blame.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is soul school!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .